how could i have reached 40 and not have the main things required, to be a human? to be a husband? to be a parent? to be alive and not have feelings to attach me to things and people, especially, my family  and later, my wife and kids?

  when my mind finally broke through and being in my early 40s i wasn't prepared for what was about to take place. then, as i looked backed on my life i stood in horror not wanting to believe what i was growing up.

  over the next three years i rediscovered myself as to how and who made this way. i learned about this fine-line separating evil from good and i wondered and even today i wonder why i didn't fall to evil. i had the perfect chemical makeup and didn't have the ability to look back and feel or even recognize pain and suffering i may have created by accident.

  throughout my life i have not felt pain or pleasure on a level to create an emotion, how could i there were no thoughts going through my head to connect with things. all i could do was look at what is in front of me and should somebody had hurt me or did something mean to me as soon as the pain or suffering was over my mind wouldn't let hang on to it.

  there was no reading a facial expression, knowing what to do when a girl flirted with me, or know what to do when danger was coming at me. my mind simple failed to put things in order and help me to reason with things to help me gain the right kind of values and principles. it wasn't until i got marrieddid start to learn about things associated with morales. although i married at age 19 my mind set was like that of 12 year old, it was something i wasn't prepared for and a blessing sent from heaven. a wondeful person came into my life and didn't give up on me.

  experience, knowledge, and wisdom has thought me, never look back as long my mind is making progress and never assume anything and don't use the word why to know about something. my progress over the last few years slowled down when i started to talk to myself and started assuming and wanting to know why about things i didn't have an answer to usually relating to somebody.

  now i am starting to get a good feeling, i no longer mindtalk, when i become aware of something my mental ability is missing i dig right into the middle of it, i'm not afraid to ask questions again and look like an idiot, i go to the park with my grandkids and we get dirty, it really feels great to be myself again by not thinking about who cares or doesn't care, i'm doing what i want and guess  what i'm changing and getting better with each passing day.

  the greatest feeling of all came a few months ago and i could have let that feeling eat meup inside like many people do in life, you know when they look back and think if only this and what if that things would have been so different. what they fail to recognize, life isn't over, they can take any day and say TODAY IS THE DAY FROM THIS POINT ON I WILL LIVE LIFE FOR WHAT IT GIVES ME AND ALL THINGS I ENCOUNTER I WILL HAVE A SMILE ON MY FACE FOR I KNOW MY FEELING GOOD OR  BAD LETS ME KNOW " I AM ALIVE" 

  when james, raquel and chris were born the feelings to help me feel proud wasn't there,there weren't any feelings. when i held their tiny little bodys and looked at them there wasn't any thoughts or feelings all i could do was look at them.

  when i look at childhood pictures i am able to relate to many things which should have created some kind of feeling. before the drowning i some affection which i showed towards animals, but, not family. my dad would come with little cottontails, one time a baby deer(fawn) and we always had kittens or puppies. yet, there affection was gone and so was the thoughts.

  when my grandson was born i was giving a secound chance to experience what had missed with my children. she was going to school and working, so, i was took on the role again and learned from research about the brain i had learned my brain may not produce a chemical to help me feel something for my grandson. this was so hard to take and i chose not to accept it and would hold him and think about how special and tiny it was and how much he depended on me and i wanted to really feel his tiny little body in my arms.

  unfortunately, it never came and dylan would soon turn one and then two and still no feeling to connect with being like everybody else with the children.

  then my daughter moved out and a short time later she had a girl and one day she came crawling across the kitchen floor and i picked her up and hugged her and this strange wonderful feeling ran though my body. my grandchildren and my persistence and being consistent with my efforts worked.

  that one breakthrough has opened many other feelings and i look forward to learning the feeling money gives people and what people get out of dancing.

Tags: Feelings Emotions Pleasure Affection

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  who made you aware of this condition, stigma? how did you get there to the point that you are different from other people? have you ever stopped long enough to see that nobody has the correct way to be with everything in life? would you like for me to share how many times i have broken the mold which should have created a feeling associated with stigma. imagine, what if, an infant could relate to fear and being humiliated the infant would never have learned how to do anything. yet, as we grew we became aware of other people, but, it really was more of what we thought about when alone, to talk to ourself about what we didn't have answers to , so, we assumed or "oh, i got it all figured out." so, where did you get the answers to how things are really suppose to be in life?

  there isn't anything a person can't do once they create a feeling and then create a desire to power up an emotion. which is what people do living with stigma. my mental development slowed alot when i became aware of my mental state not being right. all i had to do was take back my mind and stop living by other peoples rules and started to create desires which would make me happy, what i wanted in life and i am now back on track. i don't care what people think, i no longer press my clothes, and i welcome all challenges, it doesn't matter should i fail or succeed. what i know afterwards is that i am a little wiser and smarter able to do something better the next time. i never walked away from anythig as a child and i will not as an adult. over-coming fear of being humiliated is the key to breaking down stigma.  

Tags: Stigma Stigma Stigma

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it all started in my forties, these wonderful great feelings. but, first, imagine a mind like leo in whats eating gilbert grape and the boy who could fly. my mind was more like the boy who could fly , yet i wanted to explore everything like leo.

 as i sit with the group and talked to help inspire those living with depression. i thought sharing my life with them would do it and it did for they soon realized their life wasn't that bad as they made it out to be for it could have been much worse.

 a couple of months later, i had finally reached far enough into my life nearing forty that an elderly man said, "you had an emotional awakening and i  paused for a moment and said, yes, i believe you are right.

 however, i said, i wasn't ready for what was to come and it moved me into a deep depression for the feelings had taken me back to what i had missed in life, my childhood, my first eighteen years with my wife, and my three children in their baby years all lost.

  how could a mind be so lost to something so needed, so important , something which is needed to let us know we are alive?? why? i reached oput to dr. phil, i reached out to oprah, i reached out to everybody for i had no clue to what was going on in my head or who could help me and even to the point of what is a psychologist?

  then something happened i realized, if, i stay in this mode, before i know it i will be an old person with nothing, but, sad memories. it was at that point i knew i had to do something for there was nobody else to help me. so, i by acident started walking to check things out. i would walk again the next day and the next and the next.

  now in my late forties when i get a new feeling and relate to the past i let myself cry over it for a little while, to make what i am about to do very powerful and moving. slowly, i start to move that feeling to something in my life now and it can be anything. then i think to myself life is good and i will then smile about it and be thinkful i have a feeling to go with something.

 REMEMBER, you have the power and the ability to make good chemicals and stop making bad chemicals in your brain, it is a matter of what you do in your life with the activities that take place in your mind. work with your mind talk, you can do it. just learn how to mindtalk in a positive way.

   I WELCOME HAPPY AND SAD FEELINGS FOR THEY LET ME  KNOW I AM ALIVE             &nb sp;                      

Tags: So New Wonderful Exploring

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  finally, you won't believe how long i have been waiting for somebody to stand up and say medicine is good, but, not as good as you think. here is what takes place(for confidentiality reasons i can't say names or places)a person goes in gets diagnosed with something(maybe they nailed it or maybe they didn't)so now that person starts taking their med. guess what happens next. they start to feel good for the first time in their life and forget about their problem. if, they don't great, but, from what i have learned most people do.

  joe, a psychologist in the field of mental trama with 26 years of experience compared me to one of his patients and said, your spirit made you better, my psychologist of over 40 years of practice said, "i don't know how you did it, but, you have been able to rewire your brain." another psychologist who teaches psychology and works with autistic children, had a lose for words and said. would you like to talk to my class?

  people seem to forget just how powerful the brain can be when the mind is in the right frame. look at what an infant does from day one to the age of two years.

  we can beat the stigma put on people living with a mental illness. but, first we have to get somethings straight. there are too many organizations in fresno who could care less about what i have accomplished in my life. its almost like the time i shared with the forestry department research center the idea of using an airship to fight forest fires(fire chief magazine website search airship)just think how many people would have been out of a job should my airship have been accepted and put to work and it did the job or maybe they don't want to risk it.

  i believe in the use of medication but, i also believe more in powering up the brain by exploring the five senses, by showing true compassion and supporting a great cause without bias or judgement.

  you will soon see me on justin tv live in a couple of weeks. my focus will be to raise an awareness to people about how powerful the brain is by sharing my life story. i believe with the right way of thinking and with certain daily activities a person can get their brain to produce chemicals which will allow them to reduce or stop having to take their medication.

 everyday i get to rewrite history, that is the great thing about being mentally challenged and mentally ill. i always look forward to the next day. always moving forward 

Tags: Depressed Lost

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