First off, I applaud this site and all it stands for.  I have seven years of notes, references, awareness/fund-raising ideas, and plans for my own depression site collecting dust.  I will try to embrace my depression as a gift but it will be a long hard road to get there.  Having suicidal thoughts every other day, no energy to complete anything, depleting my life savings – sorry I can’t say nkm2. 

Not having insurance makes this practically impossible.  I will admit hearing and meeting other people that fight the same fight is helpful and I agree that it can be extremely healing.  The name, the approach, and the website are all- freaking amazing.  But let’s face it.  When you’ve spent years trying to get better and nothing has worked when do you give up?

How can hurting your family, being the cause of unbearable pain to your mother, nieces and nephews, by wanting to take your own life be a positive thing?  And the Tom Cruises of the world that give validity to society’s “you don’t need medicine to stop being sad” only add to that wall that you surround yourself with.  By the way, TC stated in public that he has always offered help to anyone that asks – well I asked for him to show me how you can cure yourself with a natural approach and never heard a reply.  Because I would not be alive today if it wasn't for my medication.

I used to enjoy life.  I was very active and was working on getting my yoga certification.  Spent summers with old friends in Rhode Island.  Haven’t had the energy to do yoga in seven years, haven’t talked to those close old friends in ten years – not one of the them.  I don’t enjoy life and I don’t enjoy the fatigue and I don’t enjoy the weight gain and I don’t enjoy not having clothes that fit and I don’t enjoy not having money for anything and I don’t enjoy being a recluse and I don’t enjoy not remembering anything and I don’t enjoy hallucinations and I don’t enjoy side effects and I don’t enjoy my family not understanding.

After ten years my psychopharmacologist tells me he is no longer going to treat me.  No warning – bam!  That’s it.  I certainly don’t enjoy not being able to have one last doctor’s appointment to ask questions and I don’t enjoy his refusal to let me see my chart (NY State law requires that I can view my records and I can have a copy but the request needs to be in writing.  My doc can charge a reasonable fee for the copy but he has to comply in 30 days).  Working on it.

I have tried to follow Delta Burk’s progress and was very hopeful when she announced her own website many years ago.  My heart goes out to her. 

What keeps me going?  The thought that one day I can help ease the stigma of this dis-ease and to help other people.  I don’t reach out to friends because I don’t want to whine or bring other people down.  Plus I can’t get past how badly I look now.  I wish everyone the best. 

There are so many different diagnoses and they vary greatly from one to another.  I worked at a homeless shelter in college and I had people turn on me when they stopped taking their medication – even threatening to kill me.  For me, the idea of requiring people to take their medication does not have a simple answer.

The Iraq war used to make me cry every night.  Rosie O’Donnell had promised to focus on depression on the View and was even told she could return to do so – that was a huge disappointment.  Now the healthcare issue is ready to push me over the edge.  I had approached an organization about sitting for ten+ days and doing a positive, laid back fast in front of the Senate House.  After weeks of working on that idea I just received word that no one will help me on the local level even though they like the idea.  I so desperately want to do something for people that are forgotten and don’t have a voice.

I don’t feel my age because I feel that I lost ten years of my life.  I haven't been in a coma but I sure feel like I've been.  I must say how  thankful I am that I have one person that is 100% completely supportive.  I feel for those that have no one - especially our soldiers and seniors.  I just hope I live long enough to pay this good friend back one day.

This is only the second time I’ve written anything about my experience.  I apologize for the rant.

FYI – If you don't have insurance and need free medication please go to:  needymeds.com

They have free forms to download for almost every medication that treats depression.  Most pharm companies give a three month free supply but the process can take two-six weeks to get started.  I know the site and programs inside and out.  If you need help I will gladly walk you through it.

Tags: Depression Suicide Recovery

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