I feel guilty because I found NKM2 and thought it was the greatest of all that is great but that "I still want to be accepted by “my friends" has made me ignore my new home to still awkwardly visit Facebook.  I would really like to spill out a little of my week but I am a little beside myself right now….concentration is nil.  So, in light of not being able to do right now what has helped me in this thing called “recovery”, which is writing, I will post a note I penned on Facebook.  The news of yet another death of a celebrity known to have addiction/mental illness was too overwhelming for me not to say anything and especially on the day that it happened. I have been feeling like it was a waste of keystrokes but I am going to give myself a break in recognizing that my current mood is less than stellar.  The rollercoaster continues J

Lives Unknown - 03/10/2010

This is either bravery or stupidity…I am fine with either.  As we learned today Corey Haim passed away from an accidental overdose after a life long struggle with mental illness and addiction.  This is the latest of a string of similar stories of celebrities or their loved ones.  After much thought about this, I am compelled to make a few statements.  My sister Joleen, who passed away in Dec., was an alcoholic and had mental illness. She died of an accidental overdose of a prescription medication, so I understand this as a familial survivor.  Four years ago today, I took 22 Ambien at the same time.  For whatever reason, I got in my car and drove to nowhere in particular but ultimately head on into a pole.  The miracle is twofold; I did not hurt anyone and it is the reason I am alive today, thus I understand this as a direct survivor.  My most poignant statement in this revelation is this; the statistics in mental illness/addiction deaths are rising.  If you look at the statistics, it is obvious that it is not only celebrities that make up these numbers.  It is also among the common folk...people you may even know or know of that never make the news.  All I want anyone to know is that I acknowledge living with or even knowing anyone with either affliction or both (they often go hand in hand) is hard, difficult and as many painful adjectives as you can think of.  I know this as a family member of a loved one and from knowing how hard my illnesses have been on others.  Please believe me when I say though that those who are directly afflicted have an indescribable grief that may last the rest of their life and may eventually be the reason they take their own life.  I am not going to preach on what I think should or should not be done or that everyone should become an advocate/activist.  All I want from saying all of this is this:  If you know someone who is suffering the best thing you can do if you want to help them is educate yourself.  If you know someone who is close to someone who is afflicted, then the best thing you can do is encourage them to educate themselves.    Mostly, I want to say that if you suffer, asking for help is hard but imperative.  It is also imperative that you educate yourself on your disorder(s).  Friends, relatives, spouses/significant others, therapy, and medication alone or combined will not cure you; there is no cure.  BUT, there is recovery and, ultimately, it is in your hands alone.   I have lived with some very hellacious things for the past 25 years and by all accounts I should probably not be here today.  But I am.  I am defying the odds.  I am one of the lucky ones.   There is HOPE.  If I did not make these statements then it would be a disservice to my recovery and those who could be potentially helped.

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FINALLY!!!!!  I just found a place where I belong   (originally posted 02/04)

Yikes!!!!! New system to learn.  Gonna hang with this site though because, well, refer back to the home thing.  I got a comment on here a couple of days or so that said something to the effect that "not to be nosy, but exactly where is that?"  Sorry two kids and job and a plethora of diagnoses makes life a little full. 

First, I prefer nosey than assuming and definitely more so over apathy.  What I meant is this....I don't truly know what I am.  I've been labeled as bi-polar with rapid cycling, chronic depression, post traumatic stress disorder, and in my opinion the ugliest one of all....Borderline Personality Disorder.  I believe I do have elements of all four especially the latter two.  The BPD "started" when I was 10...this I am sure of.  Since then, and even before that really, I have felt that I have never belonged anywhere.  Whether it was faulty perception or truth, I felt that people always avoided me and and even worse judged me by my behaviors.  Eight years ago every part of me that was functional, which really wasn't too much completely came to a halt.  What friends and family I did have either made a slow exit or picked up and left without hesistation.  In these past eight years I have been on every medication imaginable, more than half dozen hospitilizations and three years ago...ECTs.  The arts have always been therapeutic and have provided me solace when no one else was around to.  There is a verse in a song "I would walk with my people if I could find them".  I grew up in a home where I wasn't wanted and had no choice who I lived with.  I have that choice now.  Facebook, MySpace, chat rooms, etc...none of those places have provided me any contacts that I want in "my home".  Even though I haven't been able to spend much time on here, it was kind of a "home at first sight" thing.  Home is a place that no one should ever feel alone.  That is what I believe I have found here....even just knowing that exists.

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