Showcase: Falling Into Place

by James Estrin

“I don’t know why I don’t mind, why I allow myself to expose myself so much, but it doesn’t make sense to me to do this if it isn’t completely honest,” she said. “One of my main life tasks was to learn to be authentic. I was not in earlier years. I was a chameleon. I could be whatever you wanted. I’m not any more. I’m a very distinct individual.”

Patricia Lay-Dorsey

67, photojournalist of her own battle with multiple sclerosis

See her photography and a moving article at:

Tags: Honesty Revealing

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Posted on my own website blog, but wanted to post this here as well.

I have been in a poor frame of mind the last few months.  I am trying to come to terms with the loss of so many things in my life -- things lost to anxiety and DP and depression and to the absence of a healthy family.  I see friends with grown children -- off to college, getting married, having children of their own.  I see friends with wonderful careers and amazing extended families that seem almost incomprehensible to me; sometimes it seems impossible that these families actually exist.  I see loving families. 

Many friends do not understand what this DP is, some try very hard to understand.  Some are put off by my being so open about my illness, other see my coming forward as helpful to them. Telling it like it is, is very important to me and gives me a great sense of worth.

This is not to take away from the suffering I know nothing about in any of these families.  This is not to take away from the suffering I am aware of in some of these families, some with mentally ill children, and even one friend whose husband is very ill with cancer.  And I will never know of some “lives of quiet desperation.”  I suppose sometimes I choose to see what I wish to see.

But, someone emailed my website today, and though she asked for some advice, she also gave me tips for coping -- very wise tips I haven’t applied recently which are #1 -- to take responsibility for causing some of my own pain.  There is much all of us can do to moderate stress and reduce symptoms; we need many things I’ve talked about in my section on Coping.  I plan to renew my efforts by practicing what I preach. 

Recently I had a horrible episode of DP/DR as the result of comparing the life of another to mine, of devaluing myself, my own accomplishments.  I tried to please someone else instead of focusing on taking care of myself.  I have not been eating properly, exercising, have had too little sleep, and too much coffee.  Such simple things I must do to take care of myself.  

And I feel tremendous grief at the loss of my ability to sing.  I starting to accept what can no longer be, and that regardless I am still a valuable human being.

This acceptance is not surrender.  I have to be realistic and “shine on” in my own way.  We all must learn to value ourselves.

At any rate, the individual who emailed, who helped comfort me used in her mail signature some of the lyrics from a famous Pink Floyd song which resonates deeply with me.  In researching the song, I was reminded of its history, its meaning, and its reflection of my own life ...

From several internet sources combined ....

“Shine On You Crazy Diamond is a nine-part Pink Floyd composition with lyrics written by Roger Waters in tribute to former band member Syd Barrett, and music written by Waters, Richard Wright, and David Gilmour. It was first performed on their 1974 French tour. It was recorded for the 1975 concept album Wish You Were Here. The song was intended to be a side-long composition like "Atom Heart Mother" and "Echoes,” but was ultimately split into two parts and used to bookend the album.

Syd Barrett, who passed away in 2006, was Pink Floyd’s frontman whose declining mental health forced him to leave the band in its early stages.”

So, I post these lyrics here in memory of Syd Barrett who lost his ability to exercise his passion for performing because of what I believe was self-medication of a serious brain disorder -- schizophrenia is my best guess.

If any of this information is incorrect, please contact me and I will correct it, though the story of Syd Barrett’s troubled  life seems to be in some dispute.  Also, please email if you see errors in the lyrics I have posted though I also found that the exact lyrics are also in dispute.

Thanks for hearing me out.  And yes, I am terribly sentimental, and awfully maudlin at times.  But, well, this is who I am -- without apology.

"Remember when you were young

You shone like the sun

Shine on you crazy diamond

Now there's a look in your eyes

Like black holes in the sky

Shine on you crazy diamond

You were caught in the cross fire of childhood and stardom,

Blown on the steel breeze

Come on you target for faraway laughter,

Come on you stranger, you legend, you martyr, and shine

You reached for the secret too soon

You cried for the moon

Shine on you crazy diamond

Threatened by shadows at night

And exposed in the light

Shine on you crazy diamond

Well you wore out your welcome with random precision,

Rode on the steel breeze

Come on you raver, you seer of visions,

Come on you painter, you piper, you prisoner, and shine."

Tags: Acceptance Selfhelp Depersonalization

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I'm glad it's October, for no other reason than September was NOT a good month. Too much coming at me.  My anxiety was through the roof.

But I have to say, if I can get out ... well it's critical to my well being.

Just brief, as I'm tired... but I was supposed to meet an old college friend at a tea ... don't laugh for my old dorm.  "Ladies tea."  I did NOT want to go, and was almost going to cancel, but I don't see this friend often, and her husband is seriously ill, with cancer, and he is only 50 -- my age.

I said, OK, I'm going to BE MYSELF, feel lousy, tell her if I do, or just listen to whatever she has to say.  Just GO.

Before we met, I wandered over to the law quad next door and lo and behold in this beautiful quad there was Tom Brokaw being interviewed for something.  Haven't figured out what yet, as there were four young law students SMOKING A BONG -- all seated on lawn chairs -- and in the way of an irritated camera crew and security guard, but they said, "Hey, we were here first."

I actually struck up a conversation with them.  No one would know I was feeling like Hell ... yeah, "I look perfectly normal."  But talking with these guys was a hoot.

I then went over to meet my friend.

Most important, by being myself, I helped her open up about her husband.  I just flat out asked her about his surgery, his radiation therapy, his chemo.  He is such a sweet guy, and she is such a sweet person this just breaks my heart.

She comes off as being very strong ... and she is.  But it felt good when she said, "I've never said some of this stuff to anyone before."  I was glad she shared this with me.  Her pain.

And after we parted company ... she had to pick up her son .. and I had to find my car ... really still feeling out of it ... I couldn't help crying, in front of her.  And I just held her hand.

I am so glad I dragged myself out to see her.

I still felt like Hell that day.  But I could write that down as an accomplishment.  The next day, I woke up with a tad more energy to face the day.

Yup, being with people is so critical.  Or I ROT.

Tags: Motivation Socializing

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Dear Joey,

I've been following your videos.  You continue to be a huge inspiration.  It's amazing, I heard from a friend from high school ... it's been years.  His son has bipolar.  He said something like, "My God, it's everywhere!"  This is a cool guy though, and his son is on a wonderful path -- going to college (I think he's a musician like his Dad).

And Iraq! Wonderful.  You did a world of good there.  Interesting today is one of remembrance for all who sacrificed for us on 9/11.

Cheers,

Sandy 

(I hope IMDB is correct, 9/12?,lol or Happy Birthday anyway!)  And you had to have a shot or your "sitting on the throne" LOL.

Tags: Birthday Home

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http://www.latimes.com/videobeta/watch/?watch=f41491ea-d9fb-4bd6-9b75-3be5df4e7e7b&src=fro nt

This is about 7 minutes long and will blow you away.  There is an accompanying article, but the video speaks for itself.

And again, thank you Joey for this site, and for the great stuff in Iraq.  The UStream was amazing.

<------------Joey in Iraq!  Can't believe I found this emoticon!

Tags: Schizophrenia Childhood Illness

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I just had to emphasize this, that even Hippocrates, a physician was discussing personality types B.C.E.  Mental Illness or certain personality traits have been observed and analyzed for centuries.  Take a close look at the definition of Melancholia in particular.  Depression is nothing new.

Hippocrates of Cos or Hippokrates of Kos (ca. 460 BC – ca. 370 BC)

These are discussed as "The Four Humours" -- though Hippocrates certainly had a lot of things wrong, his early ideas as a greatly influential physician who was examining all diseases observed personality traits.

This is a summary from Wikepedia, but I studied this at university back in the 1970s.  And yes, doctors get the Hippocratic oath, "Do no harm" from this famous fellow.

Sanguine

A person who is sanguine is generally light-hearted, funloving, a people person, loves to entertain, spontaneous, leader abilities, and confident. However they can be arrogant, cocky, and indulgent. He/She can be day-dreamy and off-task to the point of not accomplishing anything and can be impulsive, possibly acting on whims in an unpredictable fashion. The humour of Sanguine was once commonly treated with leeches. The reason it is treated with leeches is based on the process of the blood being sucked out and being able to understand the effect of the process.

Choleric

A person who is choleric is a doer. They have a lot of ambition, energy, and passion, and try to instill it in others. They can dominate people of other temperaments, especially phlegmatic types. Many great charismatic military and political figures were cholerics. On the negative side, they are easily angered or bad-tempered.

Melancholic

A person who is a thoughtful ponderer has a melancholic disposition. Often very kind and considerate, melancholics can be highly creative – as in poetry and art - but also can become overly pre-occupied with the tragedy and cruelty in the world, thus becoming depressed. A melancholic is also often a perfectionist, being very particular about what they want and how they want it in some cases. This often results in being unsatisfied with one's own artistic or creative works and always pointing out to themselves what could and should be improved. They are often loners and most times choose to stay alone and reflect.

Phlegmatic

While phlegmatics are generally self-content and kind, their shy personality can often inhibit enthusiasm in others and make themselves lazy and resistant to change. They are very consistent, relaxed, rational, curious, and observant, making them good administrators and diplomats. Like the sanguine personality, the phlegmatic has many friends. However the phlegmatic is more reliable and compassionate; these characteristics typically make the phlegmatic a more dependable friend.

Phlegmatics along with the other 3 temperaments should be looked at not just his psychological statements but in view of physiology and how they would relate to attention deficit disorders, dyslexia, etc.

Tags: Four HumoursHippocrates

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Dear Joey,

I wish I could have asked questions on the UStream but I am technically challenged.  I will figure it out when you are in Iraq.  You are truly my hero.  I have been trying to tell me story -- came out of the closet really a few years ago.  But what you are doing is absolutely amazing.

I am still trying to not be ashamed as I have no reason to be ashamed for having my brain problems.  I agree with EVERYTHING you say.  My medication is not changing me -- who I am, it has helped me stay ALIVE. My meds don't make me "Not me" any more than my antihistamines, LOL.

I envy you your family, as that has been beyond my grasp (ah, you make me cry) -- you have a wonderful family.  I am NOT afraid to speak out.  And the irony of all of this is I was a performer, I also worked in the industry in production for a short time in the 1980s.  My illness kept me from staying in it.

I am so glad you have had the success you have had to use as a platform to speak out like this.  Sorry I'm rambling.  Yes, praying for you and for our troops.  And now I want your new phone thing!

No shame.  No more.  And I take my meds every day as well.

Love to you and yours.  You are truly wonderful.  Just for being you.

Sandy

Tags: Ustream Shame

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I responded to Jim in someone else's blog, and decided to post my response here, as this is my goal in helping eliminate stigma:

I wrote to Jim (therapist here on the forum)

You said in a blog response ... sorry forgot where ...

"I think initially it was a good idea to see mental health as a medical problem so people could get treatment under insurance coverage. Unfortunately, that allowed for a lot of misunderstanding about mental illness, and created the stigma that we are now trying to eliminate today. Part of that is making mental illness "normal." Then that goes toward medical necessity and what insurance will cover for counseling and treatment."

.. and I was trying to figure this out in terms of my own search for help and treatment over 40+ years.  

And to add to the strangeness of my story, my mother was an M.D. psychiatrist who practiced in the 60's, 70's, and 80's.  She was also (ironically -- my soap opera of a life -- extremely verbally abusive to me and, well everyone.)

Though I had symptoms of anxiety, depression, and depersonalization that she was diagnosing in her own patients she never "allowed" me to get help, as it would be "shameful for a psychiatrists doctor to go to a psychiatrist" -- see my website for the insanity, lol.

At any rate, what I encountered over the years was observing a transition from the "50 minute hour" with psychiatrists who provided both medication and psychoanalysis (Freudian), to pure psychoanalysis, to a move towards the biological model.  It wasn't until that last stage, in the 1990s that I received the proper medical and therapeutic treatment.

Bottom line, making certain mental illness was MEDICAL was the key to getting someone to listen and gave my illness some legitimacy.  Unfortunately, and Joey has said this -- why isn't the brain in the same category as the liver or kidney or heart in that the brain can "malfunction", "get sick."  Every mentally healthy person I know DOES NOT UNDERSTAND THIS ... some who are very intelligent people.

IMHO, there is a pervasive belief that mental illness is "mumbo jumbo", "laziness", etc.  It is THAT stigma I still run across.  And I also have seen medical residents (less expensive way to continue my meds, I see an ACSW for therapy) who know NOTHING of what their dealing with.

My biggest beef in that is no understanding of depersonalization/derealization -- my feelings of unreality, which are actually very common; in my case, they are chronic and have been for years.

I'm rambling on, but I guess it seems KEY that we make people understand that the brain can "get sick", just like the heart can "get sick."  We MUST promoted the medical model, not just for parity, but for others to believe this is something that is as disabling as many other physical illnesses.

My saga, which is there for both promoting understanding of depersonalization as well as for mental health advocacy is at http://www.dreamchild.net  

I am thrilled with Joey's activity, as it seems to focus on this ... he found after so many years of suffering that there was a medical solution to his suffering ... and yet he is still not able to talk openly about it.  A diabetic who requires insulin for the rest of his/her life -- people "get" that.  Someone who needs medication to function in society due to any mental illness ... no one "gets it."  And I see it, there is no difference.

Cheers,

Sandy

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I'm not talking about being ashamed about being ill.  I'm talking about not being personally able to "accept" being ill.

I am especially low today.  My depression has been creeping up for about 2 weeks.  It would seem that no matter how many times I try to "accept" my limitations and move on with life, there is still such emptiness.

I am not whining.  I am afraid.  I want to know how many truly come to accept their illness and are able to be "at peace" with it, if that is possible.

I still have anger at things I have missed in life.  I beat myself up about "not trying hard enough" though on a day like today the pain is so palpable, so physical, so ... impossible, any positive headway I have made in the past day, week, year, etc. seems to have evaporated.

Any comments would be appreciated.  Any similar feelings?

I know when in this frame of mind, I should say, "This too shall pass."  But I'm angry that I even need to deal with this.

Thanks for reading.

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