Hello everyone  Looks like I'll be moving!! I'm very excited and wanted to share this with you all. Thiings have been pretty crazy the last month or so. Been back and forth between cities like a crazy nomadic monkey . I havnt had time to feel much of anything, so I'v sort of just been floating along at hyperspeed trying to get things done.

On a side note, for anyone thats followed my previous blogs, Kev and I are getting along much better but I dont see us getting back together anytime soon. I kind of like the way our relationship is now. We both have our own lives and spend time together just once in awhile. Much less stress for us both. I'v learned recently not to see him when I'm already panicky about anything because it just doesnt work out well. Another coping skill learned  I'm hoping this move will produce a good fresh start high so I can get back on my feet financially and emotionally and prepare for the settling period that usually kicks me in the butt unexpectedly. Hopefully not this time!!

Well thats all for now. I'll keep you posted once I get settled in my new apartment. Until then take care and keep smiling  God bless

Puddles

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I wish I got the chance to write here more often.. At least then every time I look back at what I have wrote and what I'm about to, things wouldn't have changed so drastically... 

Well I have been doing fairly good until recently. I broke up with my boyfriend. While it has been a tough experience I think it's one of the first mature choices I'v ever made for myself. It still hurts enormously but the fact that I was able to see above my own emotions to better myself makes me feel good. It has been educational I think as well. I really started to see how my anxiety and depression waxed and waned while enduring the ups and downs of our relationship.

I realized I could no longer sacrifice my own mental well being for the sake of someone else. I think it was really hard on him to. He just could not understand why I couldn't just " be normal " sometimes... Still I feel alone and sad though. And yet another part of my life is lost due to the negative stigma of mental dis-ease... Sometimes I feel ashamed that I'm "different " in the mind. I ask myself over and over why I can't just be like everyone else. It's crushing sometimes to realize you are flawed, especially flawed of the mind. It is everyones control center for communication, emotion, thought, mood, everything. And to think it was the partial cause of me losing something that could have been great.... just sucks. 

I suppose I should count my blessings though. I have had more than a few of those lately... I've been making new friends, and establishing better connections with old ones. I'v learned valuable lessons about not only myself but about others and the world that surrounds me everyday. I JUST ( like today ) got a really cute hair cute that has really picked up my self esteem. I'll post pictures of that as soon as I can . I got some terrific new reading material recently.. And a whole bunch of other good little things I just can't bringe to mind but I know they're there .

Well needless to say, I'm looking forward to my current situation turning around in a good way. Who knows perhaps me and Kev can work things out. If not though, when one door closes another many others open. So until next time take care of yourselves and your loved ones. God bless all of you and keep smiling !!

Puddles

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This is a little tune that just kind of floated into mind, I'm going to dedicate it to another poet on this site who wrote a very touching peom for myself and others like me. Thank you, you know who you are.

Salt in my wounds,

but there's candy in the air.

I can feel the wind in my hair,

but there's nothing really there.

I feel this really isn't fair.

I want to be there,

with you.

Where I can sing like you to.

I want to find my voice.

I want to make a choice.

Please hold my hand,

and you can watch me land.

I want to be there,

with you.

Where I can sing .like you to.

I want to breath in your hope,

just throw me that rope.

I'll bring out the stars,

from planet Mars..

Salt in my wounds,

but there's candy in the air.

I can feel the wind in my hair,

but there's nothing really there.

I feel this really isn't fair...

Tags: Poetry Deppression Anxiety Hope

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Its been a long time since I last wrote here. I've been caught up in life I guess. Kevin and I moved in together some months ago. I'm not alway sure it was the best step for our relationship but as we were both in a financial binde at the time it was the best step for our wallets .

Things have been up and down for me. The tides of depression are rolling back in towards me. But tho they have been more frequent periods, they seem less intense. I have gained a pretty good upper hand on my anxiety tho, I think. And I am still proud to say I am fighting this with no medication at all as of yet. However unfortunatly my continuing search for employment has been haulted until I have my mental condition assesed and treated.

 Sometimes I feel ashamed that I am going to have to take medication just to be normal.. Like people are going to look at me like I can't control myself without the aid of chemicals.. My family still is not very supportive of the idea. And kevin makes me sad sometimes. Now that we are living together he faces what it's really like to live with "someone like me" .. He says to me sometimes that I need to just wake up one day and stop being like this.. Just stop feeling it.. I feel bad because he tries to help in his own way and be supportive but he gets frustrated because he just doesnt understand.

Otherwise tho things have been fairly good, like I mentioned above I am getting a pretty good handle on my anxiety. I've stopped avoiding going out and taking public transit. Still sometimes I find my myself excusing myself to get a grip on the rising anxiety in social situations, but for the most part the frequency of these feelings has decreased to an almost managable level.

Since I usually like to end my blogs in a positive way,on a final note, I would just like to thank everyone here on this site who takes the time to read my little blogs and leave me wonderful and supportive comments . It's people like you that get others thru the day.  Thank you all so much, and God bless!

Puddles

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It's christmas time.... I am happy for the upcoming season. Looking forward to going home to see my family aswell. I can't seem to shake this depression tho. Just when I think it's getting better it comes crowding back like storms clouds. I always feel it creeping up. I feel restless and anxious. Unhappy with life as it is around me, even tho I really have no reason to be. I just wish I was normal. My boyfriend is wonderful, but doesnt always understand. He gets frusterated sometimes. I'm just soo tired.

Tired of battling suicidal feelings, panic attacks... I just wanna be normal. It's hard to enjoy anything just as it is because I'm always anticipating that fear.. You can't go anywhere, do anything, talk to anyone.. without fighting. To be "normal".. to " keep your cool". All you can think about is that you do not want to pass out or puke in front of these people, in this place.. You don't want to have to "explain" yourself....

It's kinda like your being smothered by your own mind. Somehow I'm afraid that I'm going to just go so crazy that.. idk... I won't be me. There will be nothing of me left. And when that happens I'm terribly afraid of what will happen. Suicide is wrong but sometimes it feels like the only way to solve things.. Like you could just start fresh. all over again. I really feel like I'm beyond fixing. Like somehow I've screwed my life up and it's to late to fix it. oh man... this sucks

I hope these feelings pass soon. they usually do. It's like a wave. It comes and goes. It just seems worse everytime. Each time you realize your going to be like this for the rest of your life, and each time you feel less and less like it's even worth it to try. I can't wait to get home to my family for awhile. The Lord really knows I need it.

Thanks for listening, I really appreciate it. I do hope everyone has a wonderful holiday. Make sure you hug as many people you love as possible, hugs are always nice.

God Bless

Puddles

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Well, since my first blog, things have changed significantly for me. Some good some bad. I quit my job last wednesday, on impulse. So now I have no money coming in and havn't received so much as a call back from the many resumes and emails I'v tossed around , HOWEVER , Since I quit my job my anxiety levels have dropped quite a bit. I find it much easier to control it now. I didn't realize how much stress my job was causing me on a daily basis I guess.. So now I am still looking for work, but I think I'm going to go for something with alot less pressure involved. Something I actually enjoy doing... I have alot of skills in the customer service area, but I don't always enoy it. Sometimes being around the people makes me nervous, but I am good at it. So wish me luck I suppose .

In other news. Kevin and I had our first aurgument.It was pretty bad, but we've been together for some time so I guess it had to happen eventually right? I think both of us had alot built up inside. We worked it out today to both of our advantage, so all in all I'm happy about it .

My anxiety has been a little up and down, but over all in alot better control I think. My therapist gave me some techniques to do with breating and what she calls " guided imagry". Still working on it but it seems to be helping alittle with the panic attacks. I havn't experianced the DP/DR so much recently. For the time being at least, things seem slightly clearer, more real. I think it might have to do with quitting my job. I have more of a perpose now, being so focused on my job search.

In conclusion, I've learned alot in the last few weeks. I'm prioritizing my life and figuring out where I need to go and what I want. I'm still taking things one day at a time, but at least I see alot more hope for the future . Christmas is coming soon... Hope everyone has a lovely holiday season! Santa is on his way, he's making a list and... ( you know whats coming next!! )..... that's right! Hes checking it twice!!! Merry Christmas everyone!!

Puddles

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Well, here it is. I'm going to lay it all out for you. This is my first blog on here so I'm not entirley sure where to start lol. Let's see..... Hmmmm... Halloween night (this year) is when things hit rock bottem for me. The night itself was terrifying (irony, no? ) This was the first time I ever experianced sevear DP/DR. I'd felt something like it before but not nearly as intensly or scary.

It got to the point that for the first time ever I seriously considered killing myself. I was so afraid that from that point on, I was just going to go so crazy, there wouldn't be hope for a normal future for me. I didn't want to live like that. At the same time tho, I so badly wished I didn't feel like that because, well I didn't wanna die! It was almost like I was going to have no choice in the matter. That was just how it was going to be. No hope.. I ended up callingmy best friend and trying to explain why he needed to take me to a hospital right away.

Before that night, I was never very open with anyone, including my parents, about the fact that I had panic attacks on a daily basis. When I did mention something here and there, they just brushed it off as me being my usual weird self. Since that night, I have been seeking and receiving concelling and treatment  I have been more open about my condition than I ever have. And you know what?? I feels great!

It's only been the last 2 weeks or so that I have publicly been reaching out to friends and family for support. Now I'm making the leap to reaching out to the wide range of people on the internet. I want to meet other people like me and know that I am not alone. I support the message, that others should be made aware and educated on mental illness. I felt so alone with my condition before I opened up.

I know that night could have gone only 2 ways. I'm glad I choose the right way. Altho everyone isn't completly understanding about my problem yet, and maybe never will be, I have had so much positive support it's unbelievable to me. I'm going to continue reaching out to others and empowering myself. I hope to be able to use this new found sense of belonging to help others in the same boat, and show them that there is hope. People who care what happens to them.

Well I think thats about all for now . Have a wonderful day. Do whatever you have to just to get thru it because trust me it's worth it!

Puddles 

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