I'm back after a long time. and at the end of my rope. not sure why I'm saying this. because I'm done. i know I've eff'ed up too much and what's done is done. but enough is enough.

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Just writing as requesting to say, yes, I'm still here. for now. GOing to see about getting meds tomorrow. Talking with friends and family helps a little. So does studying things I enjoy. Stay well, everyone.

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I assume this blog will be fairly cliche for some websites like this; but I feel i have to deal with my insanity somehow. I just wrote a suicide note this morning. Frankly I've had enough. I may have a mental illness that requires treatment and may include the symptom of thoughts of death and suicidal ideation, but I have allowed my life to be destroyed by the various forms of often involuntary treatment I've received over the past several years. This came up in the suicide note. I don't think I'd ever considered going through with it if I hadn't been mistreated, abused, disrepeceted, sent to god-awful places, and had my rights violated in the past. Sometimes in flagrant violation of the law. I haven't taken my meds in a long time, partly because they weren't working, but mostly because the way I was introduced to medicines was so disrepectful, forceful, and somewhat abusive that I feel horrible everytime I swallow a pill. And this, a guy who was once about to attend an ivy league university before he got sick. I'm not even sure what I'm hoping to accomplish by blogging, but too much has happened--regardless of how much of it is my fault or the consequence of my actions--due to some of the actions of those who claimed their job was to "help" me. I just feel like my life was taken away, my rights, my freedoms, and God, my IDENTITY--I just feel like everything has been stripped away from me, simply because I had a mind of my own at in the beginning didn't feel comfortable just bowing down and doing whatever the staff on the first unit said I had to do. I know I'm not entirely innocent; but this shouldn't be possible, not in this country--not in a a country where certain rights belong to EVERY citizen and where liberty is suppposed to be inalienable. I just want people to know that SOME people ARE being abused and mistreated on involuntary psych units and are being hurt psychologically and emotionally just so they can be treated for a disease defined by psychiatry. In fact, I didn't even have a suicide attempt or even have so much as a plan until AFTER my first hospitalization, because of what happened there. I wish there was another choice, but I'm destroyed over what has happened through that segment of the mental health system. Just wanted people to know. -- Alex

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I have had issues with mental illness for some time. But I always have this aching feeling that I can't give the illness all the credit, that it's something that I've been doing wrong. I've indugled in very little drug use and have no criminal record, but I do have a terrible work record and dropped out of school repeatedly (when I had a 4.0 GPA) for reasons I don't really understand. Now I'm afraid I've ruined my chances of ever going back and I'll never have a fulfilling career or--God I want it so bad--a GOOD life. The thought of no future--as well as the fear of losing my mind--has made me suicidal at times--a feeling that is taking an eternity to get over. God, I don't want to be some "weird", "peculiar", "unstable", "not normal" mentally ill person for the rest of my life, not having a good career, a wonderful spouse, and a beautiful family that I love unconditionally.

    I also have a lot of fears based on stereotypes of what it means to be mentally ill. That you can't be a real adult if you're mentally ill. That you can't be a real MAN if you're mentally ill (a terrible stereotype, I know). That you can't be "cool" if you're mentally ill. That you can't even be sexy if you're mentally ill. That you can't be a leader if you're mentally ill. I think I need help working on this. But what I need help with most of all is hope.

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