I wrote this in May 2009, 5 months into my recovery from depression.

YELLOW

the road is a long one
and i doing my best to not come undone
and its a fight everyday to change
teaching my mind to re-arrange
thoughts that have been wrong for so long
and i am tired today and its tough to remain strong
cause i have so many issues that are lifelong
and i question why should i belong

cause when i am tired, i am weak
and the truth is tough to seek
and the future looks bleak
and i want to continue on my losing streak
these are honest emotions that i speak
for the former circus freak, current dark geek

for i have a lot to regret
i have a lot of bad sh#t that i cannot forget
and its tough to swallow it all the time
its f#cking tough to go through life, acting as if everything is fine
but this is no joke and this battle is hard
opening up so many hidden scars
looking up to the stars
for answers from a person that no longer exists
a person that perished almost 2 years ago
which pushed me down the path of a zero
he was my true hero
and he now lives with the rainbows
and i know he doesn't want to see me this way
and i know that my family doesn't want to see me this way
and reading this might offer a scare
but i am okay, please dont worry, i am hangin in there
i am trying to wake up from the nightmare
and i keep reading my serenity prayer

and everything that i have to face ahead
fills my weary head
and fills me with dread
but its not as intense as it used to be
so i am sad today and its okay to feel that way
from time to time
and i am learning this as i type out this rhyme
and i know i cannot let my emotions climb
to high or to low
cause that part of me is a dead pastime
so please allow me to be tired and broken today
for tomorrow is another day, its Friday
and without further delay
i will move away from grey
and back to yellow

Tags: Poem Depression Poetry

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I wrote this in July 2009, 7 months into my recovery from depression.

 
DEMON
depression is a multi faceted demon
that shows no remorse for its victims
it hurts the ones that love you
it doesn't stop until you are dead
your lifeless body dead from sorrow
with no explanations to those left behind
left behind feeling helpless
always asking the question, why
you did your best to hide it from everyone
your insides slowly turned black
death was a welcome solution to your misery

depression is another word for hate
depression is another word for black
depression is another word for hurt
depression is another word for seclusion
depression is another word for fear
depression is another word for liar
depression is another word for drugs

depression is so powerful
love cannot win against it
a loved ones tears cannot win against it
cause it makes you a cold heartless human
who does not seek the warmth of love
it seeks mental isolation
making you withdraw from existence

recovery is not an easy task
cause its persistent in coming back
at the first sign of personal turmoil
it welcomes the thoughts of sadness
when you least expect it
and it begs you to come back to its dark home
like a parent embracing a young child after a long absence
runaway as fast as you can and avoid its presence
RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!

life spent away from it
makes you realize that you can live without it
you don't love it anymore
it can find a different victim
its not welcome in your happiness filled house

there is life after depression
and this i know and i appreciate it
you will need strong, loving, caring people around you
that will understand your struggle
dont be afraid to reach out to them
when the demon comes callin

i am only a few months into recovery
and i don't know what the future holds
but i have a better understanding
of the demon known as depression
slowly learning what a happy life is
i am surviving and taking it one day at a time

Tags: Poem Depression Poetry

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I wrote this in July 2009, 7 months into my recovery from depression.

BLACK
BLACK monday
another week of hell in sight
BLACK tuesday
losing the battle, losing the fight
BLACK wednesday
losing weight, looking for the invite
BLACK thursday
existing in darkness with no flashlight
BLACK friday
end of the week, end of life, delight
BLACK saturday
another long drive to the shrink, all right
BLACK sunday
anxiety ridden, another sleepless night

This is what 7 days of the week looks like in the mind of the depressed
This is how i felt for 3 years and it was never addressed
cause depression kept my mouth shut and it couldnt be expressed
here i stand before you, months into recovery, passing daily tests
i am a demon of good feelings, possessed
and looking for 1st place in the recovery contest

Tags: Poem Depression Poetry

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I wrote this in July 2009, 7 months into my recovery from depression.

NATURE
i am one with mother nature
the big tall green trees help me hide my disease
i am with people who care
i am with people that have helped me erase my blank stare

the lazy creek is so calm
the flow of the water is perfect
the water navigates its way perfectly through the rocks
and it never breaks its rhythm
i could stare at this beauty forever
cause its a reflection of the perfection that i am trying to achieve

the water in my creek has not flowed so perfectly
and it has crashed on the rocks many times over the last couple of years
so i watch the flow of the creek and i am jealous of how smoothly it navigates
through all of the nooks of its daily existence

its power is deceiving cause it moves steady and silent
much like the way depression took me over
depression is as equal in power as this stream
depression made me steady and silent as i looked over the cliff
at the rocks below
the water called me to go

and i want to yell at the top of my lungs
I AM STILL HERE!!!!!!!!
YOU DID NOT WIN!!!!!!!
and i am proving to myself everyday
THAT I CAN OVERCOME

my existence is not the same as the common man
it is completely different and i soak up life
with a childish sponge quality
i appreciate so many little things
that the common man is blind to and unappreciative of

i see the daily gifts that people take for granted
and thank you is a daily thought in my mind
i feel the daily gifts that people take for granted
and blessed is a daily thought in my mind

this time the water is calling me to be free
to join it in a celebration of life
celebrate the love of my kids and my wife
and to grace its beauty with my new found strength

the water is so cold, 57 degrees
but the cold soothes my burning soul
and my skin welcomes its cool touch
my raft is brand new and leads me down the stream of serenity

i feel like i am being baptized all over again
my hands dance in the cold water
and nothing matters except my peace
i am being greedy and i only care about myself for a few minutes
i have spent a lifetime caring for others
but i am gonna enjoy the greed of enjoying this by myself

the moment comes and goes and i am joined in the water
by someone who is a reflection of the good part of me
she dives into her raft and goes afloat
and it creates a new happy loving moment
that my soul welcomes these days with open arms
and i feel her peace and her love and her happiness
and my heart glows like the sun

and i want to yell at the top of my lungs
I AM GONNA BE OK!!!
I AM GONNA BE FINE!!!
cause other people still love me when i do not love myself

Tags: Poem Depression Poetry

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I wrote this in April 2009, 3 months into my recovery from depression.

PRAY
today is my birthday
its very different from the rest
months ago i never thought i would see it
as my mind went into arrest
 
cold and rain is the forecast says the weatherman
its like the way i have felt for so many years
cold, cloudy and couldn't rain from my eyes
internal were my tears
 
this birthday boy is lucky
and here is a list of gifts that i want
these gifts are not material
to be perfectly blunt
 
HAPPINESS is number one
to enjoy every minute of my life and to have fun
PEACE is number two
be honest to myself & family, remaining true
HEALTH is number three
when negative emotions overtake, set them free
LOVE is number four
knowing that the battle is over, my mental war
SERENITY is number five
appreciate the air in my lungs and to feel alive
BALANCE is number six
keep evolving and changing, finding a healthy mix
EXISTENCE is number seven
turning my personal hell into heaven
 
these gifts are not be taken for granted
and they have no price
i must receive these gifts everyday
kneeling down before you god, for strength, i pray

Tags: Poem Depression Poetry

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I wrote this in Feb 2009. One month after i was diagnosed with Depression.

BETTER
i have stood on the cliff
i have spread my arms
i have stood on the edge
looking at the end in the face
i saw the tiny tocks fall off the edge and fall through the air
i have seen the dark side of life and didn't care
i battled the demons of despair
why did i have to go through that, it isn't fair
 
i wanted to jump off that cliff
i wanted to be free and fly
giving into the darkness inside
leaving my loved ones behind to cry
WHY????
 
i remember the pain
i remember feeling insane
i remember intense thoughts in my brain
i remember the guilt and the shame
i remember losing at the game
of life.....
 
i now stand on the same cliff
but i am calm and serene
i can enjoy all the colors of the sunset
hiding nothing in between
feeling the love for my family
bursting at the seams
 
my mind is different now
and black has changed to rainbow
realizing everyday emotions that i didn't know
cutting myself & letting the goodness flow
blocking out bad memories and enjoying the show
living one day at a time, nice & slow
relearning life through normal eyes
cause this to my family, i owe
 
i do live everyday in fear
because my love is sincere
whispering into my wife's ear
my intentions are clear
and she doesn't have to live in fear
trying my hardest to make this a better year

Tags: Poem Depression Poetry

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 I am a newbie to the site and i was encouraged to share some of my poetry in the blog section. I was diagnosed with Depression back in January 2009. I wrote this back in January a week after i got on meds.

FROZEN
it's now winter time
and the ice clings to the branches
they are frozen
like emotions in my body

stillness in my mind
snow dances on a tree
the shade of white
reminding me of the nothingness that i feel
 
white shows no emotion
no emotion for love
depression has robbed me of these feelings
depression is a liar
who promised me the world
but all it did was to keep me dormant and alone
 
it has tricked me
cause i thought it loved me
but it is selfish and shows no remorse
its arms wide open for the unloved
so we run to it with a big toothed grin
in exchange for its loyalty
it promises us a life full of sin
 
it embeds itself deep deep
within the fabric of your soul
it petrifies your mind
isolation is its goal
 
it curses the ones who love you
and turns you against them
and it takes it sweet time
driving you towards the end
 
it screams in your ears
YOU'RE WORTHLESS AND WEAK!!!
go wreak chaos on the world
cause visions are bleak
 
it looks you in the eyes
puts its hands on your shoulders and says
"You are safe with Me"
smashing your f#cking brains
cause you joined its army
 
but you cannot get discharged
it will not let you go
it holds your heart in a vice
blood streaming from your eyes...flow
 
it wields a weapon
intimidating and so big
every positive thought
snapping it like a twig
 
its face is dark and eyes are yellow
teeth are old, decayed, sharp
fingers are cut and bloody from playing satan's harp
 
it knows the odds are in its favor
its you against it
one versus one
in your face it spits
 
but now i am armed
with my vitamin P
it will take months, maybe years
of facing issues in therapy
battling demons in my wake
for the sake of my family
 
I WILL BREAK HIM DOWN
AND BRING HIM TO HIS KNEES
SPIT BACK IN HIS F#CKING FACE
MY HANDS AROUND HIS THROAT AND SQUEEZE
HEAR IT BEG FOR MERCY, PLEASE
AND WATCH HIM DISAPPEAR IN A BREEZE 

Tags: Poem Depression Poetry

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