Seems this is what I am always looking for- Anonymity. Well, maybe not always. There are times when I fell comfortable enough to be okay. Most of the time, I don't want a spotlight blarring onto me, drawing attention to my hair, skin, posture, weight, clothes, shoes, etc.

I live in an apartment complex. My paper box is by the street. I have to walk through the parking lot to get my paper. The mailbox is located there, too. It never fails that even though only three of the six units are occupied right now, someone will see me walking out to get my paper and mail. They call out my name. They have no idea what axiety it causes me. They keep asking my husband why I am mad at them.

People ask why I don't go to the river with them, or parties, or walking, or whatever. They have no idea that I can't. If I did not have a LARGE dog, I could not live here. I'm terrified of the police, and I have never broken a law in my life. I freak out when strange vehicles pull into the parking lot.

Sad thing is, I am only afraid of adults. Children don't scare me. I like children; my inner child is still nine years old. I went to college to be a teacher. I hold a certificate in my state. I hope no one ever finds out, I may never get a job. I have worked with special needs children, and feel in-tune, so to speak, with them due to my own personal challenges. I never feel afraid around children. I often wonder why that is. But if the schools knew I was agoraphobic, they would never hire me.

So I sit here in anonymity. I can't get help. I can't seek help. I am all on my own.

Next month, my husband and I are taking our youngest daughter to a Pearl Jam concert. Because my husband will be there, I believe I will be comfortable enough to enjoy the show. It is only a few hours, and I promised my daughter. I have a mantra...safe, safe, safe...and my husband and daughter will keep me focused on them and/or the show. In my next blog, I'll tell you the story of my last PJ show...the one I went to alone.

In the meantime...any other agoraphobics out there...please write me. I'm a great support...we can help each other.

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I'm new here. I am agoraphobic. It is a form of social anxiety. I've been on almost all of the meds to treat it at one time or another. Some of them made it worse. There is no magic pill.

I found a song that is as good a definition of my situation as any. I can only think that Dave Matthews knows, has known, or at least has met someone out there with this difficulty. I will list the lyrics here.

I do leave my house. I'm not entirely trapped in here. However, I have had to walk away from my cart in the middle of the grocery store. My family does not understand but most of my friends have figured it out. My daughters know what is going on, and generally handle any situation with wisdom beyond their yaers. My husband is very afraid that I wont get better.

Here is the song. Dave adds a happier ending when he does the song at live shows. These are the original lyrics:

"Oh look at how she listens, she says nothing of what she thinks, she just goes stumbling through her memories, staring out on to grey street...she thinks hey, how did I come to this, I've dreamed myself a thousand times around the world but I can't get out of this place. Oh there's a emptyness inside her, and she'd do anything to fill it in but all the colors mix together to grey...and it breaks her heart. Oh how she wishes it was different, she prays to God most every night, and though she swears he doesn't listen, there's still a hope in hell he might, she says I pray, oh but they fall on deaf ears, am I supposed to take it all on myself to get out of this place. Oh there's a lonliness inside her, and she'd do anything to fill it in, and though it's red blood bleeding from her now it feels like cold blue ice in her heart, when all the colors mix together to grey...and it breaks her heart. There's a crazy man that creeps outside her door, he says take what you can from your dreams, make them as real as anything, oh it would take the work out of the courage...but she says please, there's a crazy man that creepin' outside my door, I live on the corner of grey street and the end of the world, Oh there's an emptyness inside her, and she'd do anything to fill it in, and though it's red blood bleeding from her now it feels like cold blue ice in her heart, she feels like kicking out all of the windows and setting fire to this life, she could change everything about her using colors bold and bright but all the colors mix together to grey...and it breaks her heart...oh it breaks her heart...to grey"

Grey Street, Dave Matthews Band

Someday I'll change everything about me, using colors bold and bright!

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