As a parent to a child that has some mental health concerns, I find myself often questioning the choices and decisions set in front of me. Every parent second guesses themselves regardless of it being a child that needs a bit more or a lot more or just your everyday run of the mill type child.  The doubt is there to begin with.  The insecurity is there.  The daily question of can I make a difference in their future.  However, in the case of families with specialness, it often seems to feel like everyone seems to “know better” and that when a choice is made, it is scrutinized. I “know” I will never please everyone… but I often feel “judged” on a microscopic level.

Sure, we have the professionals who see what we are up against. These are the people that are trained to look beyond today and tomorrow. They recommend meds, treatments and therapies based on behaviors that may not be seen by everyone. Yet, I find that I WILL not take anything at face value.  We do our own research on these to find what will potentially work best with our daughter.  Oh but then we have a good chunk of family who question both meds and diagnoses and “make” us explain EVERYTHING. Then there are the “helpful” and “concerned” who blame the meds or our family life or parenting style.  It can't simply be just a chemical brain imbalance.

Then there are those who do try to understand, who listen to our ramblings and tears.  The support system of it's ok if you make a mistake, you are doing your best.  She knows you love her and that's what counts.  This isn't about the support system.  That's another blog/open letter entirely.

No one lives with this child but us… yet we are the ones who have our judgment in question often. I know I’m not alone. I hear other parents in our situation say the same thing. We are faced with drama every moment of everyday and then scrutinized for trying to make all of our lives, specifically our childrens lives well and balanced.


If we reject someone else’s ideology, we often feel like an outcast. Often our decision to be open and public about what we are dealing with is under scrutiny as it’s “giving the child an ‘excuse’ instead of dealing with it”.


Yet that isn’t it at all. I want to take the stigmatism of mental health issues away and allow my child to understand WHY that struggle is there. It’s not an excuse. It is a reason. It is a mountain we have to climb to overcome. They know they are different, why try to pretend otherwise.


It’s a part of them (and sometimes us) that we need to learn to love and embrace. We shouldn’t hide who we are…  Is that what we want to teach our children… you aren’t normal so hide that part of yourself? They know they are different.  Besides... by who's defination is "normal"?

I want my daughter to grow up embracing her challenges and success in overcoming EACH AND EVERYONE of those challenges as they present themselves to her. I want her to say “hey world LOOK AT ME…”   Not in that neiner neiner neiner look at me kind of way, but rather... That wow, look at what I have overcome, look at where I've been... I want her to be a role model and bring the light into the darkness. I want her to learn to be a strong woman, no matter what obstacle is in her way.


Yet as her parent… I struggle with choices to help her succeed. I see one thing, others see something else. I see a little girl struggling with things she can’t do but continues to push ahead. Someone else might see a pouting girl who throws a fit.  I see a compassionate girl that just wants everyone to love her as she is and fit in, but feels outside of “normal”.  Others might see a whiny girl who tries to push herself into everything.  I understand it's a matter of perspective:  frustration culmanating into a meltdown = spoiled brat who throws a tempertantrum.  Am I saying everything she does is "ok"?  Certainly not, but I have to look at the reality of what is what.


In addition to that, I have to explain myself. Sometimes I feel so naïve in the trusting of people to assist her, or even understand her. I feel that I’m "blamed" for her “issues” and “that the choices made reflect poorly”. I know it’s an illusion, but then there are circumstances that allow that illusion to seem so real, it causes pain in my heart.


I guess I want acceptance as much as she does. We as a family want to be accepted as we are. “Normal” families don’t have to explain every choice or decision… why should we have to? If we’ve done the research and made decisions on that research… why must it fall prey to be questioned over and over again despite us giving new and current research that helped us in the decision process?


We have shared information and yet the need to scrutinize us is still there… WHY? Why? Is it the goal of others to remind us daily of what we already know? If someone is truly trying to help, LISTEN and HEAR what is being said. Do not dismiss us as easily as “I know better” when you aren’t walking in our shoes. Don’t think that we aren’t listening and hearing you, we just have to look at the bigger picture. We have to account for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year… There will NEVER be a perfect solution, but safety and health come first and foremost.  Happiness is a close second.


Lately, I have come to the conclusion that I don’t HAVE to explain myself. I don’t have to elaborate. The choice is made. The decision is final. I have chosen to no longer hide my true feelings and tell them to people and persons who challenge us outright, and that is the ones that try to help without listening.  I know you think you know best, I know you think you know what we are up against, I know you think you understand… But here is a rude awakening; sometimes part of the problem is that there is more closedness than openness.


I know that after searching my heart part of my problem was me. I had to solve my problem… in order to do that, I had to put the words from my heart and head out onto paper. I had to give my anger, hurt, resentment, anguish, and disappointment a voice so that I could move forward and heal.


So I'm telling you, check the attitudes at the door and really listen to the big picture. What you see and think the cause and effect is… may not be that at all. In fact often there is a totally different cause/effect going on and what you see is the byproduct and not produced or caused by what you think.  When we try to explain that to you, don't dismiss us as fast as you do.  Hear us.  Look at it from a different angle.  Read the materials that are out there, or the materials we gave you.  It may start to seem silly at first, but as time goes on, and you see it from our perspective longer and longer, the connections aren't so silly anymore.


Special families struggle more than it is realized and often put on a mask to hide the pain that others inflict. Why? Because in order for them, for us, to survive… they have to get up daily and start fresh. Sometimes that restart comes 3 or 4 or more times a day. It's the reason I fight for my daughter, and my son, each and everyday… even if it means changing techniques and styles and venues along the way…

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