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Be Positive?? Nice Thought...
Posted On 08/27/2009 22:14:14 by realitycheck

First off, I applaud this site and all it stands for.  I have seven years of notes, references, awareness/fund-raising ideas, and plans for my own depression site collecting dust.  I will try to embrace my depression as a gift but it will be a long hard road to get there.  Having suicidal thoughts every other day, no energy to complete anything, depleting my life savings – sorry I can’t say nkm2. 

 

Not having insurance makes this practically impossible.  I will admit hearing and meeting other people that fight the same fight is helpful and I agree that it can be extremely healing.  The name, the approach, and the website are all- freaking amazing.  But let’s face it.  When you’ve spent years trying to get better and nothing has worked when do you give up?

 

How can hurting your family, being the cause of unbearable pain to your mother, nieces and nephews, by wanting to take your own life be a positive thing?  And the Tom Cruises of the world that give validity to society’s “you don’t need medicine to stop being sad” only add to that wall that you surround yourself with.  By the way, TC stated in public that he has always offered help to anyone that asks – well I asked for him to show me how you can cure yourself with a natural approach and never heard a reply.  Because I would not be alive today if it wasn't for my medication.

 

I used to enjoy life.  I was very active and was working on getting my yoga certification.  Spent summers with old friends in Rhode Island.  Haven’t had the energy to do yoga in seven years, haven’t talked to those close old friends in ten years – not one of the them.  I don’t enjoy life and I don’t enjoy the fatigue and I don’t enjoy the weight gain and I don’t enjoy not having clothes that fit and I don’t enjoy not having money for anything and I don’t enjoy being a recluse and I don’t enjoy not remembering anything and I don’t enjoy hallucinations and I don’t enjoy side effects and I don’t enjoy my family not understanding.

 

After ten years my psychopharmacologist tells me he is no longer going to treat me.  No warning – bam!  That’s it.  I certainly don’t enjoy not being able to have one last doctor’s appointment to ask questions and I don’t enjoy his refusal to let me see my chart (NY State law requires that I can view my records and I can have a copy but the request needs to be in writing.  My doc can charge a reasonable fee for the copy but he has to comply in 30 days).  Working on it.

 

I have tried to follow Delta Burk’s progress and was very hopeful when she announced her own website many years ago.  My heart goes out to her. 

 

What keeps me going?  The thought that one day I can help ease the stigma of this dis-ease and to help other people.  I don’t reach out to friends because I don’t want to whine or bring other people down.  Plus I can’t get past how badly I look now.  I wish everyone the best. 

 

There are so many different diagnoses and they vary greatly from one to another.  I worked at a homeless shelter in college and I had people turn on me when they stopped taking their medication – even threatening to kill me.  For me, the idea of requiring people to take their medication does not have a simple answer.

 

The Iraq war used to make me cry every night.  Rosie O’Donnell had promised to focus on depression on the View and was even told she could return to do so – that was a huge disappointment.  Now the healthcare issue is ready to push me over the edge.  I had approached an organization about sitting for ten+ days and doing a positive, laid back fast in front of the Senate House.  After weeks of working on that idea I just received word that no one will help me on the local level even though they like the idea.  I so desperately want to do something for people that are forgotten and don’t have a voice.

 

I don’t feel my age because I feel that I lost ten years of my life.  I haven't been in a coma but I sure feel like I've been.  I must say how  thankful I am that I have one person that is 100% completely supportive.  I feel for those that have no one - especially our soldiers and seniors.  I just hope I live long enough to pay this good friend back one day.

 

This is only the second time I’ve written anything about my experience.  I apologize for the rant.

 

FYI – If you don't have insurance and need free medication please go to:  needymeds.com

They have free forms to download for almost every medication that treats depression.  Most pharm companies give a three month free supply but the process can take two-six weeks to get started.  I know the site and programs inside and out.  If you need help I will gladly walk you through it.

Tags: Depression Suicide Recovery



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Viewing 1 - 2 out of 2 Comments

From: realitycheck
09/04/2009 15:15:01

I can't thank you enough for writing and sharing.  You didn't complain or whine and yet you conveyed how difficult things were for you.  I have to wonder if you share your story often because it seems that you have your thought really together on this.  I do have short moments - my niece can make me smile and when my friend died of breast cancer I would have traded places with her in a heartbeat. 


Seeing what she went thru for years and helping her get thru each day did not inspire me.  Instead I felt more guilty because if anyone would the lesson to appreciate every day it should have been me.  But it only made it worse.  Then survivor guilt set in.


I think your advice to get out and expose my mind (and my senses) to new things is perhaps the best advice I've gotten so far.  Did you learn this at therapy?  I understand it started with a bug (and I think that is not only appropriate - that you spared a living creatures life and thus is saved your own) but touching as well.


You mentioned how things improved with business - your own or did you start to help others?


I am very curious about your life. And I believe you when you say that you could spend days sharing. 


You mentioned the drowning incident and I was curious if you are able to go into the water now?  Did you ever hear how the developer of the Wii or maybe the XBox spends his time underwater (with a breathing tube) because he has found his brain is able to come up with the most creative ideas since it causes more oxygen to go to his brain?  He has developed over 100 patents and is the most amazing person.  I love the water and in fact went to swimming for the first time at a gym in over 8 years.  I could only do 6 laps but it did help.


As I mentioned this is only the second time I posted or spoke out to anyone before.  I don't know if you would be willing to talk some more.  If not, I certainly understand.  I live in Queens but I am from PA. 


You didn't mention if you were able to reconnect with your wife and kids or how old they are but it sounds like they could have lost you at one point.  I am very happy for you that were able to turn things around for their sake but also for yours.


Take care and thank you again!  It was a hard weekend but the last few days have been better.



 rustyc wrote:


 DEAR REALITY CHECK, YOU WANT TO HEAR SOMETHING WHICH YOU WILL NEVER HEAR AGAIN FROM SOMEBODY ELSE? DUE TO A NEAR DROWNING AT AGE SIX I LOST WHAT LITTLE BIT OF FEELINGS I HAD BEFORE IT. BEFORE THE DROWNING I HAD VRY LITTLE AFFECTION WHICH I ONLY SHOWED TOWARDS ANIMALS AND MY CHARACTERISTICS BEFORE THE DROWNING IMPLIED MY BRAIN FAILED TO PRODUCE DOPAMINE.




  LETS NOW GO FROM 1967 TO 1999 AND I'M IN MY LATE 30S AND GUESS WHAT, MY MIND IS STARTING TO WAKE UP IN A WAY, I WASN'T PREPARED FOR IT, UP TO THAT POINT I HAD TO THINK ABOUT EVERYTHING IN ORDER TO BE ABLE TO RELATE WITH OTHER PEOPLE, ESPECIALLY MY WIFE AND CHILDREN.




  THESE NEW FOUND FEELINGS TOOK ME BY SURPRISE AND MY PAST WAS CATCHING UP WITH ME FAST FOR NOW I KNEW SOMETHING WAS WRONG WITH ME. WHY THIS AND WHY THAT BEFORE LONG I WAS IN A DEEP DEPRESSION AND KNEW NOTHING ABOUT MENTAL THERAPY IN ANY SHAPE OR FORM OR WHAT MEDICATION COULD DO FOR ME.




  AGE 38 AND MENTALLY CHALLENGED AND IGNORANT IN MANY WAYS.




  I STRONGLY BELIEVE BASED ON MY LIFE OF GROWING UP WITH A MENTALLY CHALLENGED MIND AND THE ENABILITY TO FEEL SAD, HAPPY, FEAR, HUMILIATION, AND EMPATHY AND TO BE AS NORMAL AS ONE COULD BE AT AGE 49 THAT A PERSON CAN THINK  OR MINDTALK WHICH WILL CREATE BAD AND GOOD CHEMICALS WHICH WILL EVENTUALLY CREATE A CHEMICAL IMBALANCE LEADING TO DEPRESSION OR WORSE.




  YOU NEED TO TAKE BACK YOUR LIFE AND BE IN CHARGE OF WHAT TAKES PLACE IN YOUR MIND, FOR TOO LONG YOU HAVE LIVED WITH A MIND FILLED WITH A LIFE OF HABITS. TELL ME WHAT IS DIFFERENT ABOUT THIS MONTH AND LAST MONTH? WILL THIS YEAR REPEAT LAST YEAR? ARE YOU AWARE OF JUST HOW POWERFUL YOUR MIND IS AND WHAT IT CAN DO FOR YOU?




  MY MINDTALK STARTED IN MY 30S AND HOW I TOOK BACK THE CONTROLS, WHICH ENABLED ME TO STOP THE  IMPULSES WHICH CAN INSTANTLY CREATE A THOUGHT AND THAT IS ALL IT TAKES TO GET BAD OR GOOD CHEMICALS STARTED IN THE BRAIN. SO, I HAD TO APPLY THE MENTAL BRAKES BY SAYING "STOP DON'T GO THERE" AND SOMETIMES I WOULD HAVE TO DO IT OVER AND OVER UNTIL I GOT CONTROL OF IT AND THEN I WOULD AT THAT MOMENT TALK MYSELF THROUGH SOME GOOD VALUES AND PRICIPLES TO REENFORCE THE GOOD SIDE OF ME.




  TO DO THIS SIT DOWN AND WRITE OUT THE GOOD THINGS ABOUT YOU THAT YOU LIKE AND THE THINGS WHICH ARE RIGHT ABOUT LIVING AS  A PERSON IN THE WORLD.(A TINY LITTLE BUG STOPPED ME FROM BECOMING A FULL BLOWN BIPOLAR MAN. ALMOST OUT OF CONTROL SO BAD I WOULD WAKE IN THE NIGHT GRINDING MY TEETH AND FIST UP IN THE AIR. ONE MORNING I WALKED OUTSIDE TO THE CAR AND ABOUT TO PUT MY FOOT DOWN AND THERE IT WAS A LITTLE BUG WALKING ACROSS THE SIDEWALK JUST TRYING TO SURVIVE THE BEST WAY A LITTLE BUG WOULD IN THE INSECT WORLD. I WAS ABOUT TO PUT MY FOOT WHEN OUT OF THE CORNER OF MY EYE THERE IT WAS, A REFLEX ACTION CAUSED ME TO MOVE MY FOOT A LITTLE FARTHER PREVENTING MY FOOT FROM CRUSHING IT. AT THAT MOENT A WONDERFUL TINY LITTLE FEELING CAME TO LIFE INSIDE ME. WHAT IS THAT I THOUGHT TO MYSELF, I LIKE IT AND I HELD ON TO THAT FEELING AND IT GREW AND IT GREW AND BEFORE LONG I REALIZED PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ARE VERY MUCH LIKE THAT BUG, ONLY TRYING TO SURVIVE AND I SHOULD FORGET ALL ABOUT THE THINGS THAT TROUBLED ME. TRUE STORY) THAT LITTLE BUG DID MORE FOR ME THEN ANYBODY WILL EVER KNOW. WAS AN ACCIDENT OR WAS IT PLANNED?




  WHAT I DO KNOW YOU ARE AN IMPORTANT PERSON IN THIS WORLD WE LIVE IN AND IT HAS SO MUCH TO OFFER YOU. WHEN YOU ARE ABLE TO FIND THE "HOW" IN ALL THINGS AND NOT THE "WHY" AND YOU CAN LET GO OF ASSUMING AND KNOW THAT SOMETHINGS YOU WILL NOT EVER GET AN ANSWER TO, BEST TO LET IT GO.




  GET OUT AND EXPLORE YOUR FIVE SENSES, IT IS SOMETHING YOU DID A LOT OF IN THE FIRST FEW YEARS OF YOUR LIFE. IT IS THE KEY TO STIMULATING YOUR BRAIN CELLS AND OVER COMING DEPRESSION. JUST REMEMBER IT IS AN EXPERIENCE NOT SOMETHING TO POST OR TALK ABOUT IN ANY WAY OR FORM, JUST SOMETHING TO DO NOT SOMETHING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT TO YOURSELF OR SOMEBODY ELSE ABOUT HOW BAD OR HOW GOOD IT WAS FOR YOU. YOUR BRAIN NEEDS THE EXERCISE AND IT IS A VERY CHEAP FORM OF THERAPY AND IT WILL NOT HURT YOU. TIME TO BREAK THE MOLD AND WALK INTO A NEW LIFE ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS THINK LIKE A CHILD.




  IF,. YOU AND I COULD SIT AND TALK I COULD SPEND DAYS SHARING WITH YOU HOW I CHANGED THE WAY PEOPLE DO THINGS AND HOW I AFFECTED BUSINESSES IN A GOOD WAY. MY MIND LOOKED IN WHAT IS INFRONT OF ME AND THEN MY IMAGINATION WWOULD GO TO WORK AND BEFORE LONG I HAD FIGURED OUT. WHAT PEOPLE FORGET- EVERY JOB, KNOWLEDGE, EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM, LEGAL(LAWS),MEDICAL FIELD WILL EVERYTHING THAT TAKES PLACE IN THE CITY CAME FROM THE IMAGINATION OF SOMEBODY AND WITH TIME IT HAS GOTTEN BETTER AND WILL CONTINUE TO IMPROVE. SO, WHO IS TO SAY  THAT WHAT EVER YOU DO THROUGHOUT EACH DAY IS THE CORRECT WAY OR NOT OR IT SHOULD BE LIKE THIS OR THAT.




  I DON'T HAVE THE ANSWERS TO ALL THINGS. BUT, I DO KNOW AT BIRTH THE FIVE SENSES WAS ALL WE HAD TO GET THE BRAIN WORKING. UNFORTUATELY, BY THE AGE OF TWO OR THREE THE STIMULATION BEGIN TO SLOW DOWN, DUE TO SEEING, HEARING, FEELING, TASTING AND SMELLING THE SAME THINGS DAY AFTER DAY. GO OUT AND FIND ONE THING EVERYDAY TO DO WITH ONE OF YOUR FIVE SENSES AND IN A COUPLE OF MONTHS YOU WILL BE ON THE RIGHT ROAD TO FEELING LIKE THE REAL YOU AND THAT IS ANOTHER TOPIC. GOOD LUCK



From: rustyc
09/03/2009 15:04:37

 DEAR REALITY CHECK, YOU WANT TO HEAR SOMETHING WHICH YOU WILL NEVER HEAR AGAIN FROM SOMEBODY ELSE? DUE TO A NEAR DROWNING AT AGE SIX I LOST WHAT LITTLE BIT OF FEELINGS I HAD BEFORE IT. BEFORE THE DROWNING I HAD VRY LITTLE AFFECTION WHICH I ONLY SHOWED TOWARDS ANIMALS AND MY CHARACTERISTICS BEFORE THE DROWNING IMPLIED MY BRAIN FAILED TO PRODUCE DOPAMINE.


  LETS NOW GO FROM 1967 TO 1999 AND I'M IN MY LATE 30S AND GUESS WHAT, MY MIND IS STARTING TO WAKE UP IN A WAY, I WASN'T PREPARED FOR IT, UP TO THAT POINT I HAD TO THINK ABOUT EVERYTHING IN ORDER TO BE ABLE TO RELATE WITH OTHER PEOPLE, ESPECIALLY MY WIFE AND CHILDREN.


  THESE NEW FOUND FEELINGS TOOK ME BY SURPRISE AND MY PAST WAS CATCHING UP WITH ME FAST FOR NOW I KNEW SOMETHING WAS WRONG WITH ME. WHY THIS AND WHY THAT BEFORE LONG I WAS IN A DEEP DEPRESSION AND KNEW NOTHING ABOUT MENTAL THERAPY IN ANY SHAPE OR FORM OR WHAT MEDICATION COULD DO FOR ME.


  AGE 38 AND MENTALLY CHALLENGED AND IGNORANT IN MANY WAYS.


  I STRONGLY BELIEVE BASED ON MY LIFE OF GROWING UP WITH A MENTALLY CHALLENGED MIND AND THE ENABILITY TO FEEL SAD, HAPPY, FEAR, HUMILIATION, AND EMPATHY AND TO BE AS NORMAL AS ONE COULD BE AT AGE 49 THAT A PERSON CAN THINK  OR MINDTALK WHICH WILL CREATE BAD AND GOOD CHEMICALS WHICH WILL EVENTUALLY CREATE A CHEMICAL IMBALANCE LEADING TO DEPRESSION OR WORSE.


  YOU NEED TO TAKE BACK YOUR LIFE AND BE IN CHARGE OF WHAT TAKES PLACE IN YOUR MIND, FOR TOO LONG YOU HAVE LIVED WITH A MIND FILLED WITH A LIFE OF HABITS. TELL ME WHAT IS DIFFERENT ABOUT THIS MONTH AND LAST MONTH? WILL THIS YEAR REPEAT LAST YEAR? ARE YOU AWARE OF JUST HOW POWERFUL YOUR MIND IS AND WHAT IT CAN DO FOR YOU?


  MY MINDTALK STARTED IN MY 30S AND HOW I TOOK BACK THE CONTROLS, WHICH ENABLED ME TO STOP THE  IMPULSES WHICH CAN INSTANTLY CREATE A THOUGHT AND THAT IS ALL IT TAKES TO GET BAD OR GOOD CHEMICALS STARTED IN THE BRAIN. SO, I HAD TO APPLY THE MENTAL BRAKES BY SAYING "STOP DON'T GO THERE" AND SOMETIMES I WOULD HAVE TO DO IT OVER AND OVER UNTIL I GOT CONTROL OF IT AND THEN I WOULD AT THAT MOMENT TALK MYSELF THROUGH SOME GOOD VALUES AND PRICIPLES TO REENFORCE THE GOOD SIDE OF ME.


  TO DO THIS SIT DOWN AND WRITE OUT THE GOOD THINGS ABOUT YOU THAT YOU LIKE AND THE THINGS WHICH ARE RIGHT ABOUT LIVING AS  A PERSON IN THE WORLD.(A TINY LITTLE BUG STOPPED ME FROM BECOMING A FULL BLOWN BIPOLAR MAN. ALMOST OUT OF CONTROL SO BAD I WOULD WAKE IN THE NIGHT GRINDING MY TEETH AND FIST UP IN THE AIR. ONE MORNING I WALKED OUTSIDE TO THE CAR AND ABOUT TO PUT MY FOOT DOWN AND THERE IT WAS A LITTLE BUG WALKING ACROSS THE SIDEWALK JUST TRYING TO SURVIVE THE BEST WAY A LITTLE BUG WOULD IN THE INSECT WORLD. I WAS ABOUT TO PUT MY FOOT WHEN OUT OF THE CORNER OF MY EYE THERE IT WAS, A REFLEX ACTION CAUSED ME TO MOVE MY FOOT A LITTLE FARTHER PREVENTING MY FOOT FROM CRUSHING IT. AT THAT MOENT A WONDERFUL TINY LITTLE FEELING CAME TO LIFE INSIDE ME. WHAT IS THAT I THOUGHT TO MYSELF, I LIKE IT AND I HELD ON TO THAT FEELING AND IT GREW AND IT GREW AND BEFORE LONG I REALIZED PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ARE VERY MUCH LIKE THAT BUG, ONLY TRYING TO SURVIVE AND I SHOULD FORGET ALL ABOUT THE THINGS THAT TROUBLED ME. TRUE STORY) THAT LITTLE BUG DID MORE FOR ME THEN ANYBODY WILL EVER KNOW. WAS AN ACCIDENT OR WAS IT PLANNED?


  WHAT I DO KNOW YOU ARE AN IMPORTANT PERSON IN THIS WORLD WE LIVE IN AND IT HAS SO MUCH TO OFFER YOU. WHEN YOU ARE ABLE TO FIND THE "HOW" IN ALL THINGS AND NOT THE "WHY" AND YOU CAN LET GO OF ASSUMING AND KNOW THAT SOMETHINGS YOU WILL NOT EVER GET AN ANSWER TO, BEST TO LET IT GO.


  GET OUT AND EXPLORE YOUR FIVE SENSES, IT IS SOMETHING YOU DID A LOT OF IN THE FIRST FEW YEARS OF YOUR LIFE. IT IS THE KEY TO STIMULATING YOUR BRAIN CELLS AND OVER COMING DEPRESSION. JUST REMEMBER IT IS AN EXPERIENCE NOT SOMETHING TO POST OR TALK ABOUT IN ANY WAY OR FORM, JUST SOMETHING TO DO NOT SOMETHING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT TO YOURSELF OR SOMEBODY ELSE ABOUT HOW BAD OR HOW GOOD IT WAS FOR YOU. YOUR BRAIN NEEDS THE EXERCISE AND IT IS A VERY CHEAP FORM OF THERAPY AND IT WILL NOT HURT YOU. TIME TO BREAK THE MOLD AND WALK INTO A NEW LIFE ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS THINK LIKE A CHILD.


  IF,. YOU AND I COULD SIT AND TALK I COULD SPEND DAYS SHARING WITH YOU HOW I CHANGED THE WAY PEOPLE DO THINGS AND HOW I AFFECTED BUSINESSES IN A GOOD WAY. MY MIND LOOKED IN WHAT IS INFRONT OF ME AND THEN MY IMAGINATION WWOULD GO TO WORK AND BEFORE LONG I HAD FIGURED OUT. WHAT PEOPLE FORGET- EVERY JOB, KNOWLEDGE, EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM, LEGAL(LAWS),MEDICAL FIELD WILL EVERYTHING THAT TAKES PLACE IN THE CITY CAME FROM THE IMAGINATION OF SOMEBODY AND WITH TIME IT HAS GOTTEN BETTER AND WILL CONTINUE TO IMPROVE. SO, WHO IS TO SAY  THAT WHAT EVER YOU DO THROUGHOUT EACH DAY IS THE CORRECT WAY OR NOT OR IT SHOULD BE LIKE THIS OR THAT.


  I DON'T HAVE THE ANSWERS TO ALL THINGS. BUT, I DO KNOW AT BIRTH THE FIVE SENSES WAS ALL WE HAD TO GET THE BRAIN WORKING. UNFORTUATELY, BY THE AGE OF TWO OR THREE THE STIMULATION BEGIN TO SLOW DOWN, DUE TO SEEING, HEARING, FEELING, TASTING AND SMELLING THE SAME THINGS DAY AFTER DAY. GO OUT AND FIND ONE THING EVERYDAY TO DO WITH ONE OF YOUR FIVE SENSES AND IN A COUPLE OF MONTHS YOU WILL BE ON THE RIGHT ROAD TO FEELING LIKE THE REAL YOU AND THAT IS ANOTHER TOPIC. GOOD LUCK

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