FINALLY!!!!!  I just found a place where I belong   (originally posted 02/04)

Yikes!!!!! New system to learn.  Gonna hang with this site though because, well, refer back to the home thing.  I got a comment on here a couple of days or so that said something to the effect that "not to be nosy, but exactly where is that?"  Sorry two kids and job and a plethora of diagnoses makes life a little full. 

First, I prefer nosey than assuming and definitely more so over apathy.  What I meant is this....I don't truly know what I am.  I've been labeled as bi-polar with rapid cycling, chronic depression, post traumatic stress disorder, and in my opinion the ugliest one of all....Borderline Personality Disorder.  I believe I do have elements of all four especially the latter two.  The BPD "started" when I was 10...this I am sure of.  Since then, and even before that really, I have felt that I have never belonged anywhere.  Whether it was faulty perception or truth, I felt that people always avoided me and and even worse judged me by my behaviors.  Eight years ago every part of me that was functional, which really wasn't too much completely came to a halt.  What friends and family I did have either made a slow exit or picked up and left without hesistation.  In these past eight years I have been on every medication imaginable, more than half dozen hospitilizations and three years ago...ECTs.  The arts have always been therapeutic and have provided me solace when no one else was around to.  There is a verse in a song "I would walk with my people if I could find them".  I grew up in a home where I wasn't wanted and had no choice who I lived with.  I have that choice now.  Facebook, MySpace, chat rooms, etc...none of those places have provided me any contacts that I want in "my home".  Even though I haven't been able to spend much time on here, it was kind of a "home at first sight" thing.  Home is a place that no one should ever feel alone.  That is what I believe I have found here....even just knowing that exists.

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