It's christmas time.... I am happy for the upcoming season. Looking forward to going home to see my family aswell. I can't seem to shake this depression tho. Just when I think it's getting better it comes crowding back like storms clouds. I always feel it creeping up. I feel restless and anxious. Unhappy with life as it is around me, even tho I really have no reason to be. I just wish I was normal. My boyfriend is wonderful, but doesnt always understand. He gets frusterated sometimes. I'm just soo tired.

Tired of battling suicidal feelings, panic attacks... I just wanna be normal. It's hard to enjoy anything just as it is because I'm always anticipating that fear.. You can't go anywhere, do anything, talk to anyone.. without fighting. To be "normal".. to " keep your cool". All you can think about is that you do not want to pass out or puke in front of these people, in this place.. You don't want to have to "explain" yourself....

It's kinda like your being smothered by your own mind. Somehow I'm afraid that I'm going to just go so crazy that.. idk... I won't be me. There will be nothing of me left. And when that happens I'm terribly afraid of what will happen. Suicide is wrong but sometimes it feels like the only way to solve things.. Like you could just start fresh. all over again. I really feel like I'm beyond fixing. Like somehow I've screwed my life up and it's to late to fix it. oh man... this sucks

I hope these feelings pass soon. they usually do. It's like a wave. It comes and goes. It just seems worse everytime. Each time you realize your going to be like this for the rest of your life, and each time you feel less and less like it's even worth it to try. I can't wait to get home to my family for awhile. The Lord really knows I need it.

Thanks for listening, I really appreciate it. I do hope everyone has a wonderful holiday. Make sure you hug as many people you love as possible, hugs are always nice.

God Bless

Puddles

Bookmark: