how could i have reached 40 and not have the main things required, to be a human? to be a husband? to be a parent? to be alive and not have feelings to attach me to things and people, especially, my family  and later, my wife and kids?

  when my mind finally broke through and being in my early 40s i wasn't prepared for what was about to take place. then, as i looked backed on my life i stood in horror not wanting to believe what i was growing up.

  over the next three years i rediscovered myself as to how and who made this way. i learned about this fine-line separating evil from good and i wondered and even today i wonder why i didn't fall to evil. i had the perfect chemical makeup and didn't have the ability to look back and feel or even recognize pain and suffering i may have created by accident.

  throughout my life i have not felt pain or pleasure on a level to create an emotion, how could i there were no thoughts going through my head to connect with things. all i could do was look at what is in front of me and should somebody had hurt me or did something mean to me as soon as the pain or suffering was over my mind wouldn't let hang on to it.

  there was no reading a facial expression, knowing what to do when a girl flirted with me, or know what to do when danger was coming at me. my mind simple failed to put things in order and help me to reason with things to help me gain the right kind of values and principles. it wasn't until i got marrieddid start to learn about things associated with morales. although i married at age 19 my mind set was like that of 12 year old, it was something i wasn't prepared for and a blessing sent from heaven. a wondeful person came into my life and didn't give up on me.

  experience, knowledge, and wisdom has thought me, never look back as long my mind is making progress and never assume anything and don't use the word why to know about something. my progress over the last few years slowled down when i started to talk to myself and started assuming and wanting to know why about things i didn't have an answer to usually relating to somebody.

  now i am starting to get a good feeling, i no longer mindtalk, when i become aware of something my mental ability is missing i dig right into the middle of it, i'm not afraid to ask questions again and look like an idiot, i go to the park with my grandkids and we get dirty, it really feels great to be myself again by not thinking about who cares or doesn't care, i'm doing what i want and guess  what i'm changing and getting better with each passing day.

  the greatest feeling of all came a few months ago and i could have let that feeling eat meup inside like many people do in life, you know when they look back and think if only this and what if that things would have been so different. what they fail to recognize, life isn't over, they can take any day and say TODAY IS THE DAY FROM THIS POINT ON I WILL LIVE LIFE FOR WHAT IT GIVES ME AND ALL THINGS I ENCOUNTER I WILL HAVE A SMILE ON MY FACE FOR I KNOW MY FEELING GOOD OR  BAD LETS ME KNOW " I AM ALIVE" 

  when james, raquel and chris were born the feelings to help me feel proud wasn't there,there weren't any feelings. when i held their tiny little bodys and looked at them there wasn't any thoughts or feelings all i could do was look at them.

  when i look at childhood pictures i am able to relate to many things which should have created some kind of feeling. before the drowning i some affection which i showed towards animals, but, not family. my dad would come with little cottontails, one time a baby deer(fawn) and we always had kittens or puppies. yet, there affection was gone and so was the thoughts.

  when my grandson was born i was giving a secound chance to experience what had missed with my children. she was going to school and working, so, i was took on the role again and learned from research about the brain i had learned my brain may not produce a chemical to help me feel something for my grandson. this was so hard to take and i chose not to accept it and would hold him and think about how special and tiny it was and how much he depended on me and i wanted to really feel his tiny little body in my arms.

  unfortunately, it never came and dylan would soon turn one and then two and still no feeling to connect with being like everybody else with the children.

  then my daughter moved out and a short time later she had a girl and one day she came crawling across the kitchen floor and i picked her up and hugged her and this strange wonderful feeling ran though my body. my grandchildren and my persistence and being consistent with my efforts worked.

  that one breakthrough has opened many other feelings and i look forward to learning the feeling money gives people and what people get out of dancing.

Tags: Feelings Emotions Pleasure Affection

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