Alex, Keep writing. I have no words - none that could ease your pain or that can say "I know what you mean", But I do have these words: I care. I care that you feel so raw. I care that you have been so violated. If we can offer nothing else to each other, let it be that we are all damaged, and to me that is a "Force" (like in Star Wars).

Please find a way to to keep alive.          patchwork

Alex, I just joined today and have had 6 stays in a closed mental ward for over a week each time in the past three years.  Olazapein (Sp?) and especially Abilify made me feel horrible, so I finally told my psychiatrist I wasn't going to take them.  I'm stable now on Lithium and Geodon (both mood stabalizers).  My advice is to look to the future meaning get stable on some medication that you don't feel like a zombie, find a psychologist you can trust - interview them to find one you can trust with anything and get the anger out by talking and writing.  I just wrote a blog post today that talks about functional medicine being a path that I'm taking to mental health.  I don't think the millions of people with brain problems need to be on medication for life.  Three medical doctor authors that really talk about an alternative to mainstream medicine are Sydney Baker 'Detoxification and Healing', Sherry Rogers 'Depression Cured at Last' (though I haven't finished this book of hers - 'Detoxify or Die' is probably her best), and Mark Hyman 'The UltraMind Solution'.  Hope this helps, hang in there and if you have to seek suicide prevention.

Hi Alex, I agree with you on your feeling's with the mental health facilities. I am in the medical field and got so low I couldn't go on and was shocked into reality quickly.  I was horrified by what was going on and the place they put me in was dirty.  Like you I graduated college but worked many years in many hospitals in 3 states.  I treated people with A LOT of dignity and respect.  I got there and was scared to even be in there and felt unsafe. I was discharged the next morning and that was 6 months ago..I always take my medicine and know enough never to go without, even if I tell the psychiatrist I can't afford it she found a way for me.  I found out that if I calmly approach things that I need or want that I get further than fighting the system.. I always get what I need at the end or they tell me why I can't have something.. At the end we come to a mutual understanding.. It works for me..Maybe I could be wrong ( I have been often enough) but it sounds like you want your identity and your life back.. To have some control over it yourself.. You DO have the right for all of the things you listed.. I had to do the same.. I woke up  3 months ago and took my life back.. Told my daughter I was going to have things done 'my Way" or "No way".. told other's it is my way or no way.. I was catatonic way too long.. I woke up and took control.. We can't live in the past.. I hear ya on how you were treated.. I believe you.. BUT, you have to get on or it will consume your life.. TAKE THE MEDS that you were prescribed.. They will be monitored to go up or down and hopefully one day be weaned off.  My lithium was D/C'd 1 month ago.  I am on a new drug for both depression and Bi Polar that makes me a lot less zombie-ish..  Forget what you think is their fault or what you think is your fault.. F^*K it!!! Start fresh like a baby and do a mind set of rules for yourself.. Start a new Identity.. I am Alex and I am..... Once you empower yourself you will see clearer.. Forgive the psych people and most of all forgive the OLD Alex..Good luck Alex.. I pray you find your way.. By your letter I could tell you are very intelligent.

i, to, empathize. It seems all those "inalienable rights" we had pumped into our brains all our lives are only there now for the rich and sheepish. Theres alot of us out there, like DL an me who've just quit puttin up with the bullshit and decided to try to navigate by the stars_OOPS!, sorry- can't do that anymore either-too many satellites.

D'ja ever think that possibly we here ARE the only really sane folks left?!

Pleez don't cash in yet- we need your wit and input. Aside from that, you'll never find out if mel gibson is really crazy or just bein screwed around by a vindictive psychobitch...

Hi Alex, I know what you're saying. In my case I felt bad before I was prescribed a myriad of medication, then felt worse afterwards. I was not impressed with my health care people either  I tried suicide. It didn't work.  I felt like an idiot afterwards. And was just brushed off by the doctors.  So I quit my medications and doing my darnedest to go within myself and maintain a positive brain. But it sure ain't easy.  I guess I'm just writing this to empathize with you.  All the best. Dave.